CrazyWheelies

Where is Cara now? NYC for a week, then down to Washington, DC and right back on up again. An apple a day as they say!

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Soaking in Assholes and leaving the world behind.........

Sep 09, 2011

3 something PM…

brisk walk somewhere in Schiedam. In my head…Kung Fu & beers. Kung Fu’s at 7pm. Damn. That’s a lot of hours to be “good.” Shit.

4 something PM.

I have what I FEEL like doing, which turns into what I’m GOING to do (in my mind - strongest urge - drink) to what I SHOULD do. (Go to my Kung Fu class, be responsible and follow through on what I’ve started – which to that I say, “HA!”)

duvel

4 a little further into something PM.

That’s it, I’m wiping out Kung Fu and getting FUCKED UP! Sorry Sifu! (Explanations to my path into darkness, follows, dependent on sobriety)

5 something PM.

5 Duvels down…my legs are getting tingly.

7:18pm

(ha ha I know the time as I’m looking at it NOW – yes, and no…still NOT blurry) 10 Duvels down, and still conscious. However, the world (the mental battles in which I wish to extinguish) is disappearing.

I finished watching Sliding Doors as I remember it’s a movie I wanted to watch/complete for many years now. I don’t know why, but memory tells me it was supposed to be a good movie to watch. Almost a decade later, FINALLY, watched it to completion. *meh* it was ok. It just reminded me, how pathetic cheating men are. OK, cheating women are bad as well, but usually, it’s great/undeserving women getting cheated on by pigs. Oh sorry, did I say pigs? I mean men. Ha ha ha (I blame the Duvels)

OK, maybe you aren’t laughing. That means, you’re a man. Ha ha (Yes, unemployed comedian at your service!)

A funny “Oh my God” moment I had a couple of days ago was…I actually have a TON more sweet, “angelic” MALE friends, than women. Like, a LOT of my good mates, are men! WOMEN, even though they can TAKE over the world and RULE it while creating a better one…are EACH OTHER’S BEST WORST ENEMY!

Jealousy. Insecurity. The “ME, ME, ME!” maybe?

Good God. Each sex seems to have a common negative huh?

Where’s the “safety” zone?

A dog.

Get a damn dog.

Cats are too damn prissy. Like a high maintenance girlfriend. YOU go to them, YOU serve them. No love. It’s ALL about THEM! Dogs are doppy, lovable things that’ll wag their tail and are happy to see you as long as you walk em, pet em and feed em when necessary. The poor bastards don’t know any better.

As I was on Movieberry.com I remembered a convo I had with a friend of mine, also owners of Thayers…that they had a piece in Morgan Spurlock’s documentary, “The Greatest Movie Ever Sold” so I watched that.

Now, 7:45PM

I’m watching “Love’s Kitchen.” Saw it under the Genre “Romance” and decided to be sappy. Actually, I saw Claire Forlani’s pic on the poster and I’ve always had a soft spot for her, because her role in Meet Joe Black always reminds me of a special someone with equally scrumptious smiles, dark hair and blue eyes. (I’ve watched that movie a million times and more – along with many others - just because of that) I miss her, so as I always do, I revisit her through film especially when I travel and the only companion I have with me, is my laptop.

HOLY SHIT! Not even gonna say anything…I’m 3 minutes and 17 secs into the film. You have to see. I won’t ruin it.

7:52PM

Just stepped on a damn Duvel bottle cap after returning to bed. OUCH.

I didn’t think I’d REALLY finish up the 18 Duvels (8.5% alcohol beer) I bought at the market tonight, but…the night’s still young and I only have 6 more left in the mini fridge. Uh ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!

THIS is the way I manage to “survive” in this world. 5 times. 5 times I was “near death.” The last time, I had a priest read me my last rights and everything. (suicide attempt – 450 extra strength sleeping pill painkillers, a bottle of champagne and a slit wrist) and here I still stand. (well, metaphorically speaking) They labeled it a “miracle.” My vitals were off the charts. The “worse case they’ve ever seen.” I wouldn’t make it through the night…they said.

Well folks, like it or not, here I AM! I tend to bring about smiles and happiness to those I meet and those around me. So…I live, day in and day out, doing my “duties.” I figure, some “being,” or “force” doesn’t want me anywhere else, BUT here…on earth, in this cesspit of existence, so…might as well make the best of it and what I have to offer.

I used to fall into addiction and depressions for 6 months at a time. MEANING, near 2% human interaction, FOR ALL THAT TIME. I have now managed to control those pitfalls. One night or 48 hours to MAX a week.

Time which I take for myself to dissolve. To escape. To STOP my braincells from functioning so I can be at “peace” in a way. It’s like an automatic default I possess of making the world disappear when I don’t want to face its ills.

A weird way of doing it, but this is how I cleanse. How I reset. It’s how I rid myself of the world’s assholes, disappointments and scars that have been re-ripped open because of new circumstances. Why is it, that you can have a MILLION AMAZING moments, and all it takes is a handful of negatives to tip you off a cliff and have you crashing down?

Ah well, here I am.
If all goes as planned, I will be “new,” fresh and ready to go in the AM.

Wish me luck.

If not, I will continue this path for the weekend and give myself til Sunday Eve. I used to allow myself to disappear, continuously, but…seeing as that is counterproductive to making positive marks into the world, I give myself “deadlines.” I believe, no matter how one wishes to judge me or feel it’s a “weakness” this is me. This is my way of “living” through darkness as I try and remain focused on the pinhole sized light ahead.

Why “believe” in a person that creates an “image” to which you WISH to see in them? (Politicians) Why not put your faith and trust in someone that shows you their true selves? The good and their bad. Their strengths and their weaknesses? And then, stand by the causes they prove to truly stand by?

All my life, I’ve lived under a microscope. I’ve been judged, gossiped about, friended and then defriended…for who I am. Who am I?!?!?! And, really, what is it that’s so bad about me? I live through my heart, yet I also, live through my passions, desires, OWN mind and am NOT afraid to express them.

Everyday I wake up and wish for one thing…

That each day I wake, I make a positive change in the world.

Won’t YOU join me?