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They’re MY Tears and I’m NOT Giving Them to You...Anymore.

Aug 31, 2011

In life, there’s DEFINITELY a balance scale. I had one of those “BEST DAY EVER!” episodes yesterday. I’ll write ALL about that later on today, if I have the time. It’ll be a LONG one as I’m just so grateful for it. Just before I laid to rest, I received a few lengthy Skype messages that just SIDE swiped me like a Mack truck, appearing out of nowhere, at 200mph.

I was going to copy and paste the entire history so I could get feedback from you all, but I wish to just put it behind me already. An old friend, who I’ve kept in my heart for over 14 years, and I finally reconnected a few months back…first through an old Myspace message, then Facebook and Skype.

Here’s the entry of that moment: http://www.crazywheelies.com/news.php?ax=v&n=9&id=9&nid=452

((Read it, then click back to this page, there’s a poem there you should read))

After reading the poem, I realize the person that I loved in the past, is the same tortured soul of the present. Quick to snap, turn on the defensive (for no reason) and attack. She’s had a rough life, so I understood and accepted her compulsive reactions. (I’m WAY lenient with people, so if you PISS me off, you must have done something REALLY REALLY BAD)

“Fend for yourself, survival mode” I guess.

But c’mon. 14 years later? I’m never one to ex a person out of my life. Even my worst enemies have a part in it, one way or another. But with time, age and experience I’ve learnt to let go. Let go of things and people that bring about unwarranted and unnecessary negativity. If I allow myself to fall into my “heart” right now, I’ll dry myself of moisture through tears. (And snot, ha ha)

spoiled superficial brat

narcissistic bitch

I would love, for ANYONE in my life, WHO TRULY knows me, to call me that. Maybe then I’ll take the time to reflect on those vicious little words of yours. If only you could see the real person you are spitting these sharp showers onto, you’d sit back and KICK YOUR SELF, HARD, in the ass. Like, so hard your ass comes outta your mouth.

All I’ve been is a friend to you. In the past, I loved you and cared for you with everything that was in me. Am I supposed to be indebted to you because you’ve had a hard life and I started with a privileged one? I haven’t broken my back day in and day out. (like you supposedly have) I may have it “easy” right now but you haven’t been through the 14 years that have passed between us.

I was looking forward to finally reconnecting and finding out and sharing all of that with you. I am saddened, I am emptied, I am disappointed…but one thing I am not, is sorry. You know that I’d be there for you, in the past and before all this drama. I still probably will but you have to take the darkness, self pity and sourness away or I must keep walking away because I can’t have you bringing me down. I’ve had too many people like you in my life who I’ve poured myself into, trying to keep them afloat while sinking myself in the meantime and being left at the bottom with NO ONE TO LEAN ON.

It’s not a wrong, in your part or anyone else’s, because you can’t expect the weak to help others when they can’t even help themselves. What I’ve learnt though, is when you allow people to fall, if they pick themselves up, they build resilience. I used to cup the world in my hands, constantly. I hate having the slightest bit of pain and suffering within the lives of the ones I love, however…I’ve learnt, that protecting people from the evils/negatives in life, sometimes does them more harm than good.

If this is the end of our path through this life, with this last tear and tingle as my nose turns red, I want you to know that I still love you, as I did…14 years ago. I still remember you, as I did, in the best of moments, 14 years ago. I will still smile, remembering your smiles and laughter. 14 years ago.

Maybe we’ll check back in another 14 years. If we’re so lucky to have them, and try it all again.

I hope you find smiles, like I have.

I hope you find laughter, like I do every day.

I hope you surround yourself with nothing but the best, like I’ve been doing from the moment I found clarity and worthiness of it.

When that day comes, the world will open and the sunlight will forever shine on your path.

I hope this day comes soon…

Because I’ve always loved the way your eyes glowed, every time I’d make you smile.

I love you, you silly thing, but I’ve learnt to love myself more.

xoxoxoxo