(Yeah, I was cute. Don't ask me. I dunno what happened.)
My tune for the moment.
If I Die Young by The Band Perry
I heard it for the first time a month or so ago.
I was still deciding if I liked it until today.
“A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singing
Funny, when you're dead how people start listening”
EXACTLY.
This has been my “theme” for the past few days and with these
few lines, the song finally STRUCK its cords
and
captured me.
I posted this vid on Facebook the other day
and I wrote this above it:
“The GOOD die young as they say. PLEASE don't wait til my death...to join my FIGHT. ♥ Would be cool to see you all step up to the plate, while I'm still around. ♥”
When I sat and showed it to a friend today, I don’t know why, but tears began to form. However, I swiftly stole their gravity, kept them contained and made them go back to where they came from!
(I’m not a sap. I don’t just CRY. I was always the tough little shit
that laughs off a wreck from a bike/skateboard/out of a tree/beating, etc)
**It’s not that it DIDN’T hurt. It’s that I learnt to laugh
in order to combat the tears.**
If shit hits deep, it can rip scabs off old wounds; wounds which I jam down to the tips of my toes, which still manage to resurface.
Fuckers.
I may be a LITTLE “fortune” cookie…but I’mma durable one.
:)
Afterwards, I plugged my earphones in and listened to “If I Die Young”
while reading its lyrics…
Thoughts of the ones I love blossomed into existence.
Their faces flashed before me like a slideshow.
Their beautiful, smiling faces
and it was as if I was singing to them
asking them, gently, behind the melody,
“If I Die Young…don’t let what I’ve lived for, die with me.”
**Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother**
Besides the Lord part, this line’s perfection, in relation to how I feel.
(Nothing against “God” or the “Lord” it’s just not
something I would have written)
I’d want to know, that while I was gone, I’d still be there to protect her and splash her world with a multitude of colors so that she’d continue to smile and be safe in my absence.
She’s the flood of life that cranks through my veins.
Even through the fights, the ups and downs, the harsh words
the times when there were no words at all
and the emptiness I’ve felt through the coldness passed down to her
“blessed” down upon me…
I love her.
I need her.
I am nothing without her
**Even though she’s MILES away from knowing/feeling/believing that**
BUT
If I must go on without her…WATCH OUT EVIL WORLD!
If anyone EVER manages to hurt her, IN ANY WAY
I will inflict misery, pain and suffering upon that person
to the best of my ability
for as long as they walk the earth.
(Which will be as long as possible, cuz DEATH would be too
great/easy/gifted/nice/quick of an ending)
I will keep you healthy, so you may “appreciate”
the torture I will put you through til you WISH you were dead.
When you get to that point…
I’mma GLADLY give you more.
:)
Lawful or unlawful.
You don’t touch my mom nor the ones that I love.
(Trust me, you DON’T want to “test” my imagination)
I’ve always been overprotective of my mom.
I remember when she wanted to learn how to scuba dive…
and I wouldn’t let her go beyond the swimming pool.
Stuff like that.
She’s always been my butterfly.
(Even though sometimes I call her a DRAGON)
Delicate.
Porcelain.
Precious.
I’ve kept her cautiously cupped in my hands
protecting her “wings” from the slightest possible damages
so that she’d be free to fly without restrictions
Happily
Just as she pleases.
I’d take on a million years of suffering so that she’d never have to experience a second of it.
**Grabbed me a roll of toilet paper, (blowing my nose and wiping away tears) as I’ve got the song on loop and am allowing myself to “therapize” myself. LOL Falling down, to rise and breathe again. Fresh and new. Tears.**
Time’s a bitch man.
If I could take back 10 years, I’d saturate them with more hugs.
More time with my parents.
More “I love yous” instead of “I hate yous”
More “I miss yous” instead of “Leave me alone”
More of being “consumed” by THEIR life and happiness, then the others
who aren’t even around anymore.
They’re getting older and I feel time running faster and faster like it was on
a race against itself.
Most that are close to me, know I go with life’s flows.
Where IT wants to take me. I don’t exactly “control” the direction of my life.
(Although I do “aim” for certain “destinations”)
I’m presented with steps.
Tools.
And “gifts.”
And I try to utilize them, purposely.
Now, my “free bird” bounce-the-globe-lifestyle conflicts
with my desires to spend more time with my parents.
I don’t know what it is.
The best way to describe it, is that
it’s a “force” in me that tells me, “time’s up, you gotta go”
And once I feel that, no matter WHERE I AM in the world…
I follow it.
(Especially when I'm in the Bahamas as I feel I'm allergic to it)
:)
Fighting it, is like fighting the wind;
Fatiguing oneself battling emptiness.
I know when I’ve “chosen” wisely, because things “flow”
my life goes beyond levels in which I never pictured, loops back
around, up and even higher than before.
And so far, it hasn’t stopped its climb.
Last year, when a one month visit turned to three unforgettable ones in Mexico
I suddenly felt the "pull" of "home."
Something inside me was telling me I needed to spend time with my dad.
I thought it was the world telling me he was sick and I needed to be there
by his side. Once that feeling became stronger, all it took was
a night's sleep.
The next day, I was on a plane back home
stayed for a RECORD breaking 6 months...
and met some great new friends to add to the herd.
Not JUST friends, some of the most amazing people in my life...currently.
One, especially, exactly what I didn't know I needed in my life.
A glorious cushion of happiness and smiles.
Seriously.
It's crazy how much love this little body can give and receive.
More and more each day.
Amazing.
People always ask, how they can be “me”
I’m not a University nor a career
and my life has No Degree nor straight path.
(I don’t even know if I’d RECOMMEND IT!!!)
My best advice, is to walk the paths of least resistance.
Least negativity.
****
NOT to be confused with "the easy" road, but sometimes you fight
and fight to the point of losing yourself til you become
an empty shell THINKING you know what SHOULD BE.
When it seems that all you are presented with are
walls...just rest assured, you've tried your best...and maybe
it's just not "the time" or "meant to be."
Cliché...
but trust me, a brighter path will replace your frustrations.
Do your best and you'll never be a failure.
****
Be true to yourself and those around you
and spend most of your time, figuring out YOU
not who the world says you should be.
Allow yourself to fly
and the world will roll out its master plan.
When it does, you’ll know it.
At least, this is the way for me.
Now, with my “save the world” type “missions”
I fight against the INTENSE focus on my causes vs. friends and family.
What’s more important?
I need to find a balance as I don’t want to be faced
with the pangs of REGRET.
Most people probably think there’s NO method to my madness.
OH.
If ONLY you knew how calculated each one of my steps are.
:)
The other day, one of my friends said:
“You WILL be a force to be reckoned with…once you figure it all out.”
(in relation to me trying to figure out and implement “solutions” to all the SHIT in the world that fucks up my ability to sleep at night or that I naturally refuse to “turn off.”)
My Mister, at the front desk told me one day that I don’t walk.
I march, like I’m on a mission.
My response, is that I am.
It’s called
LIFE.
As I’ve said before, I jump from one thing to the next, but once I’ve
decided to lock my focus onto something
I’m a heat seeking missile.
Full steam ahead.
No distractions.
No diversions.
Focused.
Determined.
Til I hit my target or die/”run out of steam”/exhausted ALL resources.
All or nothing baby.
Now I ask you…
Do you want to stand WITH me? Or against me?
:)
This weekend, I spent time thinking about EACH one of you.
My beautiful friends, who I love in different ways, but FULLY nonetheless.
If the world were smaller, we'd get more face time, but...
as CHEESY as it is...
My Heart is how you're never too far.
I Miss You ALL.
Love always.
Cara xoxoxo
((If you liked this blog, you should play the song - preferably with earphones -
