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I love you. Always, always and always. Forever MBE. xoxo

Until then, I will carry the void of you, along with the joy of your love and use my pain as strength and fuel to fight the evil that poisons my happiness.

May 19, 2011

So. I had a dream of us last night. Jesus. I came into the house. You were trying a wedding dress on. You stood out by the balcony looking out into the ocean. You were absolutely beautiful…as always. All I could think about was holding you in my arms and kissing you, but I knew we weren’t alone. It took all my strength to minimize my desires but I did. For you. As always, to protect you, your life, your daughter. To save you from chaos. Not from heartache, but from battles that would begin, if I ever found myself weak. Like an addict who believes they’re “OK” you find me in my dreams, when I’m the most vulnerable. And from those dreams, you wake me up. Up out of frustration because like an addict chasing their high, that high, is never attained. In life, nor in dreams.

If only they knew what they destroyed. Not like they’d care. Evil lacks consciousness, it makes no space for compassion, it knows not kindness, its humanity is for its own cause and the darkness and destruction that follows and consideration? Lost in translation.

I don’t know which is better? If we were to continue along the road of our perfection from the start, without interruption, or the life I have now and have experienced somewhat without you in it. The both have their pros and cons. If my years were spent being a family with you, I wouldn’t have the family I have with the world. However, with the world, I’m still missing you.

I distract myself well. However, not a day goes by without you in my thoughts. Even though you aren’t physically with me, you are always with me. All the people, all the best friends, all the great experiences, all the trips, the countries, the different places…everything I pack inside of me, still doesn’t replace the void of my girls.

Even though, this is how I feel, I’m not ready for an us again. I still have so much to complete. Maybe when that window finally opens for us to be free, that’s when I’ll have made a sweet dent in the ills of the world and can join with you once more…to be the unstoppable force we are meant to be.

Until then, I will carry the void of you, along with the joy of your love and use my pain as strength and fuel to fight the evil that poisons my happiness.

From the moment our eyes met, I loved you. For all the years since then, nothing’s changed. It’s probably gotten stronger. Maybe we needed the time to grow. I know I wouldn’t be the person I am today, if we weren’t ripped apart and in someways, no matter how fucked up that was, I’m grateful.

Always, always and always. YBE